Friday, March 4, 2016

Yes, I was a meanie head and I'm sorry

So last week I owed my hubby a big, humble, apology... I had only slept a little over an hour the night before (no excuse), then dealt with having the alarm installer here most all day up until time to pick up the teenager from school, only to have to go back to the cable company to switch out a box and question our bill, to come home and it felt like everything was going wrong...
  The alarm camera wasn't working. Then, I couldn't do my hair like I wanted and just did my whole head purple. Spending over an hour trying to get my hair to rinse clean, then washing it and hoping to pull some of the darkness out. As if I didn't have enough, I started in with a horrible toothache which was throbbing.
While I was fighting the urge to freak out over my hair, hubby just kept telling me "it actually looks pretty good, he likes it and when I'm all nicely tan, it will look even better." So then I calmed somewhat and tried to eat, BIG mistake! It made said toothache MUCH worse. So then my loving and amazing hubby started talking to me about the alarm camera and I growled so hateful at him and was taking my cranky, bad day out on him. Amazingly he still helped my hateful, cranky self figure out what was going on and we got the camera back working.  So finally after a long week at work, he finally gets on Xbox and then I have a printer malfunction and was on the verge of a meltdown, so he stopped his game and spent over 30 minutes fixing it... Later, in the still of The night my mind was going over the events of the day and I was racked with guilt for being such a cranky pants, meanie head to my caring, compassionate, and loving hubby... I owe him his favorite dinner or maybe we can have a lunch date. Just the two of us... Or maybe an even bigger gesture, let him go ahead and send his car to be painted.  Heh...

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Best Intentions

  We are all too familiar with Pinterest and all of the wonderful and amazing DIY projects that you can find on just about any event or idea the mind can imagine.  Usually I just repin tons of recipes I will never cook, projects I will never make, and so many other topics that remind me I have 2 left hands, so to speak, when it comes to being crafty.

  I used to be a chronic list writer. I had notebooks, planners, sticky notes, and clipboards of well intentioned lists. Well, my hubby "lovingly" reminds me often, that when I kept those crazy, often unorganized lists, I managed to get more done and forgot way less... So I went to Pinterest for ideas... My 1st mistake, lol. I found the world of Filofax and also bullet journaling.  For those who have never heard of these, like me 5 months ago, Filofax is this very pretty, very organized planner system that is extremely customizable to anyone's needs. There is a Filofax company you can buy your starter system, or like many Pinterest poster's love to do, you can use a plain 3 ring binder and create these amazing planners that look similar to carefully executed scrapbooks. Bullet journals are plain graph composition books (usually) where there is a complex system of using bullets to create this wonderful system of lists using bullet points, colorful pens, highlighters, stickers, beautiful tapes, and so many eye pleasing tricks, with the sole purpose of keeping their day to day errands, calls, chores, etc all together in this beautifully laid out lists. 

  I just couldn't resist!!! I drank the koolaid and began to think " I CAN DO THIS!"  This was my 2nd mistake... I set out to gathering my needed supplies.  Stickers, sticky notes, markers, colorful binders, clips, pens, etc. I even purchased nice small plastic bins with snap lids to house my New stockpiles of crafty items. "I can really do this" I keep thinking.  I research and study, taking notes as If I am back in my college biology class. I was hyper-focused. For most of the month of February I use a practice journal to note all my to-do lists, calls,and errands and to figure out the best system for me.  As March speeds closer And closer I get so excited. I have changed from using a 2 inch 3 ring binder, because how would I even lug that thing around??? Then the graphed composition notebook, and finally, 2 days before March 1st, I find this small 3 ring binder and I fall in love.  The binder is portable but I can change the pages around, add tabbed dividers, and totally customise it. Visions of posting my beautiful, completely organized binder, dance through my head. I am now about as excited as a child on Christmas morning. March 1st can't get here fast enough.... Until it did. Insomnia struck the day before the end of February and then my semi-organised system started fraying, then by March 1st it all completely unraveled.  Now it is March 3rd and yet again, I am running on less than 2hours of sleep and my poor, brand New, colorful polka dotted, mini 3 ring binder sits on my side table collecting dust. 

  This binder and all that has gone on the month before, the planning, the excitement, and wonderful expectations is so much a picture of what our lives can sometimes be.  The binder being all our goals and plans and the frustration when things just don't turn out how we plan or picture. It can get to the point we just give up and feel like we just can't do something, long before we even start.

  The sad part of it all? It doesn't have to be that way. We get a New chance to start over and implement changes and work towards goals, every single day. Instead of planning to start working towards a goal until "the 1st of the month" or "until the timing is just perfect", we can start brick by brick TODAY!

Things won't always be perfect and that's okay. What is important is that we try. We start our new journey right now. We need to stop comparing ourselves to the Ideas of perfection that we see all over the internet and even on TV and just do what works for us and makes US happy. 

It was a pity party kind of day

Well as long as I have fought my battles and felt like a warrior I must finally stop, take a step back and submit to the reality that my relationship with many people I held close and dear to me, is now part of the casualty of my illness. No fibro didn't make me stop calling, texting, reaching out. No my lupus didn't form the walls I have built around myself. But over the past 20 years I have grown tired.  Tired of begging people to understand, tired of trying to explain why one day I am on top of the world and moving mountains and the next day I can barely move my legs. I'm tired of hiding the pain and burying it deep within, forcing a smile when really I Just want to cry and have someone really understand my pain.  I'm tired of making excuses for why I can't make some important function, or spending a week getting over making myself attend birthday parties, weddings, and others. I am tired of the fear I have every time I have to go to Wal-Mart and hearing someone cough and sneeze, or avoiding all public places when there is an outbreak of the flu or a stomach virus... Most of all I am just tired... Tired of knowing that complete strangers in all these wonderful groups knowing more and caring more about what medical problem, test, or procedure I'm having, or seeing that the ones who drop a msg, or sweet voice of caring compassion aren't the ones I've known most of my life, the ones I will and have done all I can and more when they need me, only to feel lost and alone when I am down or not feeling the best... But as I have known for many years, being one of the earlier diagnosed back when most in the medical community didn't even comprehend what Fibromyalgia was and you intentionally left it off your medical history when you met a New Dr or specialist for the 1st time in fears they would just look at you and offer a referral to a shrink... I have known of many who had lost their spouse's, parents, siblings, even their own children, when they were going through the motions of diagnosis and all that one was put through 20+ years ago.... Tonight is a rough night for me and I know it will pass. I know that in a day or few I will be out of this fog and better for it. But for now, just right now, I am hurt, I am angry, and I am sad...